you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize