I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
