one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
