I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
