First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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