From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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