Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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