YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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