You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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