If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You pole danced in your parka.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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