chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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