So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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