i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
