My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I intend to get homeless drunk
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
