He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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