woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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