I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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