I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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