this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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