i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I think I just sharted jello shots
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