pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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