You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
