Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
