At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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