Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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