My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
