well I can't set my house on fire every night
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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