they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
