Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
