I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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