My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
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