It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize