the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
my liver is dry heaving
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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