the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
