wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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