Who wears a wallet chain?!
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
