even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
