You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
false alarm, still single
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
