Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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