Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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