I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
my phone needs a breathalizer
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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