my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
