Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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