i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
