He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
We're too hungover to prance.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
