I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
