Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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