I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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