you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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