We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
