I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
home. puking in laundry basket.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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