Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
