You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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