I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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