wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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