So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize