she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
